In my first year of uni I made a violent, gory, wholesome Christmas story in the form of a Tumblr post. Naturally, not many people saw it. So I'm sharing it with you and hopefully you have as much fun reading it as I did making it. I it's also the last entry in the Santa, Eddie the Elf and Rudolph chronology (so far)
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE
BUT UPSTAIRS A LITTLE GIRL
COULDN’T DRIFT OFF
FOR SHE WAS EXPECTING
A CHRISTMAS PAYOFF
SHE DIDN’T LIKE PRINCESSES OR GIRLY THINGS, NO SHE WANTED FIREARMS, WEAPONS, AMMO
THE LITTLE GIRL HAD A QUITE VIOLENT PERSONA WHICH CAUSED HER PARENTS TO WORRY ABOUT HER
THEY ONCE CALLED A DOCTOR TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG BUT THE DOCTOR WENT HOME WITH HIS SANITY GONE
AND AS THE LITTLE GIRL LAY AWAKE IN HER BED A THOUGHT CAME ACROSS HER THAT FILLED HER WITH DREAD
WHAT IF INSTEAD OF THE
GIFTS SHE DESIRED
SHE INSTEAD RECEIVED TOYS
OF WHICH SHE WAS TIRED?
WHAT IF ST. NICK NEVER BROUGHT HER A SWORD AND INSTEAD BROUGHT HER DOLLIES OF WHICH SHE WAS BORED?
THE LITTLE GIRL STARTED
TO WORRIEDLY MOAN
WHEN OUT OF THE WINDOW
SHE HEARD A LOUD GROAN
THE LITTLE GIRL SAT UP
AND LOOKED THROUGH THE GLASS
OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW
TO SEE A LARGE MASS
OF DEAD-LOOKING PEOPLE WITH HORRIBLE FEATURES WHAT ON EARTH WERE THESE TERRIFYING CREATURES?
WHEN SHE LOOKED A BIT CLOSER THE LITTLE GIRL SAID “OH NO! THESE CREATURES ARE THE LIVING DEAD!”
THE LITTLE GIRL THOUGHT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE AND WHILE SHE WAS AT IT WHY NOT HAVE SOME FUN?
IT WASN’T VERY OFTEN SHE GOT TO CUT LOOSE A MOMENT LIKE THIS SHE COULD CERTAINLY USE
THE LITTLE GIRL LEAPED
OUT OF BED STRAIGHT AWAY
AND GRABBED ALL HER TOYS
FOR A NEW KIND OF PLAY
HER SKIPPING ROPE WOULD MAKE A USEFUL LASSO AND HER FRISBEE, A USEFUL PROJECTILE TO THROW
SHE SHOT DOWN THE STAIRS
QUICK AND QUIET AS A FOX
RUNNING TO THE FRONT DOOR
AND UNBOLTING THE LOCK
SHE BURST OUT THE DOOR
AND INTO THE COLD
WHERE HER EYES GAZED UPON
A SIGHT TO BEHOLD
A HUGE PLAQUE OF ZOMBIES WAS LURKING OUTSIDE AND THE LITTLE GIRL UNDERESTIMATED THEIR SIZE
THEY LUMBERED TOWARDS HER
WITH EMPTY, DEAD EYES
THE GIRL DIDN’T HESITATE
AND SHOT BACK INSIDE
THE ZOMBIES GROANED LOUDER
AS THEY CLAWED AT THE DOOR
WHEN DOWN FROM THE CHIMNEY
THERE CAME SANTA CLAUS
WITH EDDIE THE ELF
AND RUDOLPH IN TOW
ARMED TO THE TEETH
AND READY TO GO
THE LITTLE GIRL GAZED
AT THE WEAPONS THEY’D BROUGHT
EXPLOSIVES AND FIREARMS
THEY HAD THE WHOLE LOT
SANTA SAID TO THE GIRL WITH HIS TWINKLING EYES
THE LITTLE GIRL DIDN’T NEED TO BE ASKED TWICE SHE SAID YES AND WAS HANDED A COLT .45
THEY RAN TO THE FRONT DOOR, READY TO ROCK AND PUSHED A GRENADE THROUGH THE DOOR’S LETTERBOX
THE EXPLOSION SENT TWELVE
OF THE ZOMBIES TO HELL
MORE WERE KILLED BY A
BAZOOKA-WIELDING ELF
THEY RAN THROUGH THE TOWN
MURDERING THE UNDEAD
PUTTING BLADES IN THEIR NECKS
AND ROUNDS IN THEIR HEADS
SANTA’S M4 BLEW
THE ZOMBIES LIMBS OFF
AND EDDIE’S KATANA SWORD
FINISHED THEM OFF
RUDOLF HAD HOOVES
SO HE COULDN’T PULL TRIGGERS
SO INSTEAD HE KILLED ZOMBIES
WITH SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER
HE USED A LARGE AXE
TO CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS
AND STOMPED ON THEIR SKULLS
TO MAKE SURE THEY WERE DEAD
BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH,
TOO MUCH AMMO WAS SPENT
SO BACK TO THE HOUSE
AND UP THE CHIMNEY THEY WENT
THE GIRL EXPECTED
AMMUNITION APLENTY
BUT SHE WAS SURPRISED
TO FIND SANTA’S SLEIGH EMPTY
THEY HOPPED IN THE SLEIGH
AND GAVE IT A PUSH
THEY SHOT OFF THE ROOF
AND TOOK OFF WITH A WHOOSH
THEY FLEW THROUGH THE CLOUDS AND THE WIND AND THE SNOW AND THEY LOOKED AT THE CROWDS OF THE DEAD DOWN BELOW
SANTA CALLED OUT “IT’S TIME FOR PLAN FOR PLAN B WE’LL USE ALL THESE WEAPONS I INSTALLED JUST LAST WEEK!”
HE REACHED FOR A BUTTON ON THE SLEIGHS DASHBOARD HE HIT ONE MARKED ATTACK AND WEAPONS GALORE
CAME OUT OF THE SLEIGH TO THE LITTLE GIRLS DELIGHT THE MISSILES AND GUNS WERE AN EXTRAORDINARY SIGHT
SANTA SAID TO THE GIRL “FOR ONE LAST TREAT HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAN THE MISSILES FOR ME?”
THE GIRL WAS ECSTATIC AND WRIGGLED WITH JOY SHE HIT A RED BUTTON AND THE MISSILES DEPLOYED
BULLETS AND ROCKETS
FLEW DOWN TO THE GROUND
AND THE ZOMBIES WERE QUICKLY
DISPATCHED ALL AROUND
FIRE AND SMOKE FLEW AND THE STREETS RAN RED AND ALL OF THE ZOMBIES WERE FINALLY DEAD
SANTA CLAUS THANKED THE GIRL FOR HER SKILLS EVEN IF SHE’D ANNOYED HIM BY STEALING HIS KILLS
HE TOOK THE GIRL HOME AND SENT HER UPSTAIRS SHE GOT INTO BED AND FELL FAST ASLEEP THERE
WHEN THE LITTLE GIRL WOKE UP SHE SHOT OUT OF BED TO TELL MUM AND DAD HOW SHE FOUGHT THE UNDEAD
THEY DIDN’T BELIEVE HER (WHAT SANE PERSON WOULD?) BUT THAT CHANGED WHEN THEY SAW THEIR RAZED NEIGHBORHOOD
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